Anonymous Outsider

Remains Of the Day Cont'd

The Post's odious Broadway hatchet-man, Michael Riedel, has a nifty little item--he claims it's coming from "Boy From Oz" wardrobe--tucked away in his column today about ex-heartthrob Ricky Martin being so paranoid about being labeled gay that he would have only considered replacing Hugh Jackman in "Boy From Oz" if the boyfriend in the show was “changed to a girlfriend.” What, afraid it would ruin your career Ricky? Douchebag. (Michael Riedel--not on web)

Remains of the Day

Heidi Fleiss is the news again. She's filed a suit against the doe-eyed, carb-faced actor Tom Sizemore. Fleiss, who's famous for liking violent and hot-tempered men is "seeking unspecified damages for domestic violence and property she allegedly lost during their volatile relationship." Sizemore, when he was convicted of criminal charges related to this latest complaint, blamed his behavior on a crystal-meth habit. Yes, well, that might do it. Sizemore once claimed that Robert DeNiro had saved his life by urging him to kick a drug-habit in the early-nineties. At least, that's what we think he was going to say, because he fell asleep in mid-sentence. (Evening Standard)

Bonnie Fuller's venerable Star Mag (article not online) is reporting that Keith Ledger and Naomi Watts have finally called it quits. Ledger was also spied making out with Winona Ryder at a Hollywood hot-spot. That's it Winona, take this thing for all it's worth--this should definitely be good for some tabloid ink.

Michael Jackson appears for the first time with his new legal team. To their credit, they have seemed to urged him to tone down the bizarre antics. (MTV.com)

Mourn the Wicked?

Can teenybopper Mandy Moore pull off a starring role in a Broadway show? According to Michael Musto, who's getting quite fond of the whole internetweb-thingy, producers are set to tap her for the role of Glenda, the good witch. What's going on with Kristin Chenoweth, who's playing the role quite successfully, we wonder? Not enough star power for the Great White Way?

Mined Gossip

Has Cindy Adams been threatened with the axe? Has she gotten off her duvet to actually talk to someone? Is there really more in that famous little notebook of hers than senile doodling and measurements of Sukarno's cock? Who knows? But she did actually comes up with something new today. Camille Parker Bowles has cancer, and she's on it faster than she you can say “Jackie O.” Also, did Melania Knauss quit her job to be with the Donald? That chick had a job? Maybe golddiggers do have a union, after all. (Cindy Adams)

Luckily, for the sake of consistency there isn't only one worthless gossip column in the Post. Here's Liz Smith on some celebs' reactions to the new Cole Porter movie: "(they) said they wanted to go right back to the screening room and see the movie all over again!" Three cheers for Hollywood. Hip, hip, hooray!

"Matrix" producer, Larry Wachowski has finally finalized his divorce and is getting ready for a sex change. Hooray, another Hollywood freakshow! Remember that movie "The Adventures of Sebastian Cole?" It will be like that, except with Dolce & Gabbana dresses. Hey, whatever floats his boat. Seriously. (Rush & Molloy--2nd item)

George Marciano, founder of Guess, held some au pair hostage in his Beverly Hills home, Page Six reports. He also made her sleep in the same bed with his 10 year-old daughter? Yuck. Beverly hills cops chalk it up to "a cultural misunderstanding." No, "a cultural misunderstanding" is a redneck using a salad fork to stir his drink. But you've got to give it to those Beverly Hills cops, boy. (Page Six)

Jessica Dee is the third porn performer to test positive for HIV. Is this really 1987? God, for her sake, let's hope not. The government is just as fucking evil as it was back then, though. (Fleshbot)

Journalistic Values, Schmalues

A 66 year-old Ohio priest has been accused of being a satanist and a murderer. Of course, Fleet Street is on it. Is the graf below from the News of the World or the Daily Sport, no, it's from the venerable London Independent, a competitor of the Guardian and Times of London. Makes you kind of wish that NYC had a nice broadsheet war too, huh?

"Some of (the nun's) testimony seemed unbelievable - particularly when she described being placed in a coffin crawling with cockroaches, being forced to eat a human eyeball and be penetrated with a snake to consecrate her orifices to Satan. She said the priests had killed children, mutilated dogs and performed an abortion on her as part of their devil-worship."

Loose Ends

Britney Spears has a stalker. A 25-year old Canadian, Daniel Lachance, was arrested for criminal trespassing in Kentwood, Louisiana today. But honestly, if the poor guy could just be introduced to Britters, he'd probably have half a chance. I mean, have you seen a picture of the guy she's fucking now? Of course, it would help if he had a wife, and stalkers never had wives. (Evening Standard)

Roger Friedman is reporting that Elizabeth Wurtzel is going to Yale Law. Apparently, she just hasn't been depressed enough lately. Well, she can write "Prozac Nation, Part Deux" now. (Last item)

More Gossip Fun

Since we truck in gossip, and not much is happening today, we thought we'd provide you with this post from a thread over at the Data Lounge. The guy posting compares some gossip columnists (imagine, Lloyd Grove didn't make the list!), for pure skank value:

Richard Johnson - talentless, drunken, philandering Republican schill for Rupert Murdoch.

Cindy Adams - D-list social climber who writes like she learned diction form Al Capone.

Liz Smith - sell out in every sense of the term who dresses like Barbara Stanwyck in Big Valley.

Ted Casablancas - has no gossip to speak of and writes like one of the Olson twins after a lobotomy.

Billy Masters - aged joke. (Ed.--um, who?)

Later on in the thread, someone posts about being hit on by Ted Casablancas (he's "creepy;" well, duh) and another two people post, respectively, that Richard Johnson drunkenly cavorts at parties with a "Piss-stained crotch" and is notoriously small. Heh. But for sure zaniness, it's hard to beat the dude that misses Rona Barrett. Apparently, she's still alive.

A.O. Gossip

Sydney Pollock, the director, actor and TCM shill, is starting to get so paranoid that he wants an armed bodyguard whenever he goes someplace in the city. Sydney, take our word for it, nobody knows who the fuck you are.

Which model and wannabe actress, after getting sniffy with her friends in the bathroom of the Marquee, needed a little reminder to wipe the powder off her nose? Nice save, girlfriend.

And We Thought John Leonard was a Successful Television Critic

"Steely-featured, heavy-browed, Henry Luce had burst forth from Presbyterian missionaries in the Orient in 1898. Whither would this nervy creature go? Luce, inflamed by wars abroad, delivered in Time his own squalling babe to cry abbreviated tales of adventures far and wide. In its pages was born a sub-child: the prose of inversion and neologisms."

Mined Gossip

Young, rich and nearly talented? Want to announce to the world that the gossips have been right all along in saying you're a couple, what do you do? If your Sofia Coppola (A-list, baby) and Quentin Tarantino you have the NY Times throw you a bash--Keller's such a starfucker and all. (Page Six--5th item)

Fabian Basabe is getting betrothed to Italian blue blood Martina Borgomanero reports Rush & Molloy. Are Basabe's parents getting tired of hearing about their son's not-so-masculine antics and trying to shush it up the old-fashioned way? Wait, "not-so-masculine" is liking a nice suit and being worried about your tan--Fabian Basabe is, as Star Mag would say, "GAY." (2nd to last item)

Is new Uma Thurmond beau Andre Balazs mobbed up? Beating down valets, trying to take niggas out in a flurry of buckshot in front of celebs? If it's true, Hawke, forget about her. The good ones always fall for the bad guys. (Cindy Adams)

Rush $$ Molloy are really in the damage control biz today as, in addition to the above Basabe item, they are also announcing that Jen Aniston and Brad Pitt are in the works of "starting a family." Sure they are, sure they are.

Is MGM set to make "Rocky" without Sly Stallone? Jesus, that's like doing "Batman" without Adam West. Oh wait... (Liz Smith)

Anna Wintour--Tan? (Page Six--7th item)

"Friends" Lawsuit a Doozy

The TV show “Friends” has been slapped with a $2m dollar lawsuit by a former writer’s assistant. That’s all? C’mon baby, this is the big time. According to the woman, Amaani Lyle, the show's writers talked about performing an "unnatural sex act" on Jennifer Aniston and made fun of Courtney Cox's anatomy and her inability to conceive children. Youch, those bitches! Also, whoever drew up the lawsuit is seemingly not without a sense of humor because it accuses the same writers of "speculating on whether (Cox) was 'competently sexually servicing her boyfriend at the time, David Arquette.'" Lastly the woman accuses the writers of joking, "'about David Schwimmer's sexuality; and discussed making Matt LeBlanc's character, Joey, a rapist.'" We'd rather see Joey serially raped by David Schwimmer's character (er—Chandler?). Now that would be a sit-com. (Evening Standard) (Media Bulletin)

Just One of Those Days

There's this guy around here that likes to call himself my "boss" and run around telling people what to do. "I pay your salaries around here," "Do this, do that," "waaah!" He seems so sure of him self; I just don't have the heart to disabuse him of the notion. So, I just bide time, and wait for his doctor to double his meds, but in the meantime I do what he tells me. In other words, there probably won’t be anything new today...

New Guardian Mag

The Guardian is set to launch a stand-alone public service magazine, titled Public, to be published ten times a month. The Guardian already has one stand-alone title--Money Observer and several magazine supplements, including G2 and Observer Magazine. Despite the Guardian's erudite content it often strikes a playful tone in G2 and OM. Judging from the press release, however, Public will be take a drier approach to its specialized subject matter. (Via Mediabistro)

Loose Ends

"Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry is getting divorced for the second time, it was announced today." (Evening Standard)

Lizzie Grubman aimed intentionally at partygoers three years ago, a forensics report has announced. No shit, really? (NYDN)

Here We Go Again

Remember Bill Clinton's $250 haircut on the runway of Air Force One? Well, John Kerry has upped the ante, spending--according to Matt Drudge--$1,000 dollars on a haircut. And I say... You know it bitch! He was going on "Meet the Press," not some Fox News show, and he needed to look good. Also, hey, you can't forget about inflation.

Requiem for a Dreamer

Hubert Selby Jr. died of heart disease yesterday. He was seventy-five.
"'There was that generation of writers: William Burroughs, Henry Miller, and there was Hubert Selby. And he's one of the last of that generation, of some of the greatest writers in this country.'"

American Beauty

"‘Kevin, to the best of my knowledge, has never had a real relationship with anyone except our mother. He’s an empty vessel.’" --Kevin Spacey's Brother

Kevin Spacey's brother, Randall Fowler, is, according to the London Mail on Sunday, writing a book called "I’m Spacey’s Brother Whether He Likes It Or Not." In it, the failed musician will recount Spacey's bizarre upbringing at the hands of a Nazi homosexual rapist. Wait huh? Doesn't that remind you of a certain movie? Randall claims that while he was raped at the hands of his father over and over again, Kevin was sly enough to escape punishment by tying himself to his mother's apron strings. He does look like a sly one--that Spacey--doesn't he?

Anyhoo, in the 1980's Randall asked his brother the question that had been preying upon him for his whole life. "Is his brother gay or not?" Because, after a childhood spent being raped by a sadistic monster, wouldn't that be the question that kept you awake at night? Spacey answered, “'I don’t consider myself heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual, just sexual”’ then patted his brother lightly on the ass, winked at him and walked out of his life forever. (Daily Mail--Subscription) (Rush & Molloy--2nd item)

We're in Favor of a More Direct Approach

American Francophiles have a new way to prove their superior sensibilities while sending a message to Bush that they hate him. Handbags inscribed with, "'We're sorry our president is an idiot. We didn't vote for him' -- inscribed in French" are selling out of stores all over the country. Not exactly priced like Birkens, we expect. You know, this isn't such a bad idea, but do you really think many Republicans understand the most elementary French? We're in favor of a more direct bon mot when dealing with Dubya, like "fuck you dickhead." In English.

Mined Gossip

Baywatch babe Gena Lee Nolin has joined that exclusive band of starlets who have had sex tapes starring them released. Her ex-husband Greg Fahlman is pedaling it for upwards of a million bucks to web sites. What a sweetheart. (News of the World)

Paris Hilton is sporting a larger cup size lately. (Daily Mirror)

Lenny Kravitz can't sell his Tribeca pad for $12 million. (Daily Mirror)

VF's George Wayne scored a round-trip ticket to Russian Fashion Week from garment companies, but has only attended one of fifty-five shows. The more important question, though, is: What does Page Six have against George Wayne? (10th item)

Speaking of Page Six having it out for someone, they're claiming that Woodward and Bernstein are frauds, having invented Deep Throat to cover-up the fact that they were on the receiving end of leaks from the CIA. But what about the movie? You know... Jason Robards as Ben Bradlee and all.

Cardinal Egan might try to block John Kerry from attending the Al Smith dinner because of Kerry's views on abortion. Or could it be because of Egan's lifelong Republican sympathies? (Rush & Molloy)

Nicole Kidman was spotted having dinner with Rupert Murdoch. What the hell could they have talked about? Last month Kidman was rumored to be having an affair with an older Rothschild. (Jeanette Walls--Last item)

Kerry's people are worried about the release of a Clinton memoir, slated for June. (NYM-2nd item)

Never really the proud one, Robert Evans is shilling some ab crunching contraption with the help of Liz Smith. And Sharon Stone admits to (ohmygod we almost can't say it) liking sex. Smith actually reports "there were some gasps" at the admission. Maybe the crowd was surprised because Stone didn't flash her Beaver while saying it.

Elvis Mitchell is Off to the Chicago Tribune

Everybody wants to know where Elvis Mitchell is going to land next. Well, we have the scoop kids. A Chicago Tribune insider tells us that the former NY Times critic is heading over to the Tribune, which has coveted him for some time now. The Tribune needs a big name to go up against Ebert and Roeper, who are both at the rival Sun-Times.

Blind Fun

"Which A-list babe hides a sordid junkie past? The gorgeous girl regularly used heroin to keep her weight down for photo-shoots. Not exactly model behaviour..."

We think "used" is the key here. So, it's probably not Naomi Campbell because she's still a junkie. That narrows it down to every supermodel that worked in the nineties.

In the Paper: "Raisin in the Sun"

There was an interesting review of a new Sidney Poitier biography in the NYTBR yesterday. I was surprised to learn that the well-spoken Poitier was "functionally-illiterate" well into his 20's. Richard Schickel, the reviewer, reminds the reader that Poitier's success in Hollywood had as much to do with his physical beauty as anything else. He looked good just standing still.

Poitier came from extremely humble roots to become the biggest African-American movie star of all time. Perhaps his miserable experiences in whitey's segregated army had something to do with his incredibly successful characterization of Walter Lee Younger in "The Raisin in the Sun." Hansberry's play is one of the two most effective takes on the failures of the American Dream (the other is Miller's "Death of a Salesman").

So, it bothered me when I heard the mackalicious Puff Daddy was going to tread the boards as Walter Lee. He would almost surely play the part with enough bathos to make George C. Wolfe's character in "The Colored Museum"--who is killed for over-acting--envious. Any doubt that I had to this effect was put to rest by yesterday's profile of the mogul as thespian. No matter how many A-listers like Demi Moore kiss Puffy's fat ass for attempting such a seminal role, how many acting coaches, elocution coaches and tutors the play's director hires for his star, and how many apologists Puffy has in the press, this will surely be one of Broadways most pathetic moments; until he’s interviewed by James Lipton for “Inside the Actor’s Studio,” of course.

We'd Like to See "The Ethicist" Field This One

"Getting myself in the mood for a conventional 'quickie' has always been reasonably easy, but with my current lover that means lying across his knee for half an hour while he spanks me, after which he will want to perform anilingus on me, then enter me anally." (London Observer Magazine)

(Ed.--We're getting a new computer in our office this morning so posting may be light.)

Irrefutable Logic

Mary Kate Olsen (the skinny and mean one) on why it's impossible that she has a drug problem:

"If I had a drug addiction, I would be in a thingy - like Promises, the Malibu (rehabilitation) place. You don't see me there. So, like, come on. It's crazy."

In all probability, however, her denials probably reflect the truth. In fact, she hasn't really been accused of being a junkie. What has been splashed all over, are pictures chronicling her anorexia. Star mag and In Touch both have features regarding her probable eating disorder. Star has an interesting theory that MK is, "upping the ante in her quest for individuality by becoming skeletal thin." Indeed this picture shows that all the tell-tales signs are there (see especially the ultra-thin legs).
(Ed.--Excuse us for hurdling even further down-market today.)

AJG is Off to the Post II

In a post earlier today regarding the departure of Anna Jane Grossman from the Observer, we wrote that she would be staying on to write the NYO’s wedding column. However, a savvy source informs us that this is not the case. Although the Peach sheets will probably run an item that she has already written in next week's issue, AJG will be writing exclusively for the NY Post from now on.
The confusion arose because in the email that I cited, Grossman wrote that she could still be contacted at her second NYO email address (the “Countdown to Bliss” one).

More Than a Few Drinks on Fleet Street

The owner of the London Express went completely bat-shit at a board meeting with German directors of the Telegraph, the Guardian is reporting. Not only did he accuse the German executives of being Nazis, giving them a "sieg-hiel" style salute; when they objected he called them "fucking cunts" and "fucking wankers" and challenged them to a fight: "want to come outside and sort it out, then?" We knew the British press liked to take a few drinks at lunch, but Jesus...

"Express owner Richard Desmond today launched an extraordinary tirade against Telegraph bosses at a meeting of their joint venture print works, hurling a string of abuse and goosestepping around a boardroom in mockery of a German newspaper group's bid for the paper." (Media Guardian-reg req)

Gone Blind

Which married laywer and nouveau riche mogul with a huge appetite and famous line of books is keeping someone on the side?

Anna Jane Grossman--Into the Soft Bosom of Lachlan Murdoch

The Observer's cutesy gossip columnist, Anna Jane Grossman, is off to the NY Post. A media insider leaked an email to us in which Grossman informs her colleagues that from now on, she would be writing for the Post. Will she be writing for Page Six? Judging from the email, it sure looks like it. Grossman writes that she will be covering a "similar" beat for the Post to the one she covered at the Observer.

Although AJG won't be writing items for the Transom anymore, she is staying on at the peach sheets to write "Countdown to Bliss."

Kind of Makes the "Eye Game" Seem Pretty Lame Huh?

Wow. We knew that the tube cars are a little bit smaller than our's and that the announcer melliflously says "mind the gap please," instead of bellowing "watch your step, motherfucker," but we didn't know just how different the London Underground is from the NYC Subway:

"Eventually, she dared me to meet her by the toilets at the mainline station we were both commuting to. We met, and we had sex. And I guess that was my first 'tooth. Perhaps the first 'tooth." (London Independent)

Mined Gossip--Mine and Mined Edition

Uma Thurmond, for reasons that one doesn't need to attend the New York Psychoanalytic Institute to decipher, says of Rebecca Loos: “I’m not sure whether she’s trash or tramp — I’d say tramp." Youch. (Sun)

Vanity Fair's George Wayne puts the squeeze on a nightclub manager for first-class tickets. (Page Six-5th item)

Jamie Johnson gets his Uncle Richard to put him in Page Six again. Uh-oh, now Casey is going to get all bitchy at the family reunions. She's had a bit of a dry spell. As that crazy Russian used to say, "what a country!" (Page Six-2nd to last item)

Liz Smith hints that a a J-Lo--Marc Anthony vehicle might be in the works. Who's going to making it, Televisa? (6th graf)

Michael Jackson is indicted. (ABC)

Last night, at a Saatchi & Saatchi party for the company's CEO, Kevin Roberts, who has just published a book, we looked at a huge canvas along with Ben Widdecombe of the NYDN, Paula Froelich of Page Six and a charming, but tipsy Anthony Hayden Guest. The canvas had written on it, among other things: "Damien Hirst owes me nothing, but Tracy Emin owes me everything" and "Ben Roberts owes me money." Owes you money? My lord. Didn't Rogers pay like 20 grand for that thing?

Department of Really Bad Ideas

A California Pediatrician and mother of two, Claudia Jensen, is touting the idea of prescribing Marijuana to teenagers to alleviate symptoms of ADHD. She has testified to congress that the drug, either brewed into a tea or made into a candy (I kid you not) would be a much safer alternative to Ritalin, a form of amphetamine: "Why would anyone want to give their child an expensive pill … with unacceptable side effects, when he or she could just go into the backyard, pick a few leaves off a plant and make tea for him or her instead?" the good doctor posited to a Congressional Subcommittee on drug policy.
Yes, this is an incredibly intelligent idea. We've noticed that it's always the stoners that have the best grade point averages. Trippy, hydroponic weed seems especially conducive to learning. In fact, we can't think of any drug that's worse for one's attention span than pot. Anyone that's done a bong hit and tried to sit down and write a term paper can tell you that it's an exercise in futility. Then again, this story comes from Fox news, and as we all know--they're smoking crack. (FNC {via Whirred Peas})

Gone Blind

Pssst... I've heard about this a couple of times now, so nice guy that I am I've decided to pass it along, minus the name, of course:

Which playwright and sometime director, that had a hit in the late 90's, is having a lot of trouble finding backers for his work lately? Rumor is, they are nervous because they think that the reason why his last couple of plays flopped was because they were cast with little more than his sexual gratification in mind. Don't worry too much though; his stuff was pretty lousy anyway.

Media Loose Ends

Tony Blair has criticized Fleet Street for their coverage of the Beckham scandal, saying the Brit tabloids have invaded the Beckham family's privacy. Ironically, (but not surprisingly) although Brit tabs have experienced a whopping boost in sales as a result of "Becksgates" a poll reveals that 85% of the UK public is of the opinion that "the disclosures about Beckham's alleged affairs should have been kept private. (Guardian-reg req)

The loathsome Bill O'Reilly has called a Canadian columnist a douche-nozzle. The columnist, John Doyle, earned the badge of honor by coming out in favor of Fox News being broadcast in Canada so people can laugh at it. Moreover, O'Reilly's on-air comments motivated his viewers to send Doyle thousands of hateful emails. Surprise, surprise: O'Reilly's sublimely eloquent fans used the opportunity to call Canadians assholes, pussies and to wish Doyle a "fucked up day." (Via Romenesko)

Tom Scocca reports that Ben Stein will be writing for the newly redesigned Times Sunday Business section. Ben Stein served as a speechwriter for Richard Nixon. That means that the gray lady now features two former Nixon hacks (Safire was similarly employed.) What fun. As far as the redesign goes, yeah it was nifty and colorful, but it furthers the trend of graphics taking up a large portion of a section's front page. The news loses out; form truimphs over content. (NYO)

The late Mike Kelley hated Sid Blumenthal so much that he refused to even be in the same room as him. Kelley felt that Blumenthal was a Clinton foot soldier and had no loyalty to the New Yorker. Heavens! A journalist working for a Presidential Administration? Whoever heard of such a thing? (Lloyd Grove)

Ode to Windows of the World er--Asiate

We are suddenly filled with a kind of admiration for Amanda Hesser. Last night we dined at Asiate, and this is the best review we could come up with:

Hark, what a view!
Is it more polite to put the lime in your glass,
or off to the side?
$475 for overcooked lobster
Good stuff man

In light of this complete failure of our senses, Hesser plugging Jean George seems almost admirable.

Well, When You Put it That Way: Who Wouldn't Have Done It?

"Mr. Pennington asserted that he had gotten his landlord’s permission to have the rented cottage depicted in the mass media. 'I was like, ‘Dude, I’m gonna fix up your place and put it in magazines. This is what I do. I’m gonna make your fucking little shack here look fucking awesome!’" (NYO)

Are They Also Going To Institute the Old "Paper Bag Test?*"

"...this club did not want just any moneyed men. Rap stars, Hollywood glitterati and professional athletes - what Mr. Lopez-Pierre labels the 'ghetto-fabulous crowd' - would not be welcome."

Mined Gossip--We All Know Tara Reid's a Junkie

The 3AM girls, a trio of heavily vetted debbies that write for the London Daily Mirror, has an interesting blind item today about a home video made with two "top models" that shows them "snorting substances." The video will allegedly hit the web soon. Let's just hope it's not Alex Best or Jordon or something. In the UK "top model" can mean just about anything.

Tara Reid has been spotted all over NYC, completely fucked up. Let's just put our cards on the table: she's not "drunk," she's on heroin. There, don't we all feel better? (Lloyd Grove--last item)

Clairol was considering using Omarosa in an ad campaign, but got so much flack they've decided against it. We think she should be selling toothpaste. (Jeanette Walls)

Love is blind. So is Anne Leary. Look baby, if your husband isn't fucking Liz Hurley he's fucking someone. (Rush & Molloy-4th item)

Not even her saggy boob could save this one; Janet Jackson's latest album, Damita Jo, tanks. (Roger Friedman--3rd item)

Paula Abdul: "I Can't Button my Pants."

Apparently, our mother was right when she told us "only let the manicurist push back your cuticles;" if only Paul Abdul would have gotten such good advice. In what surely marks one of the most bizarre injuries ever sustained by a celebrity, the Post is reporting: "Abdul underwent surgery at Cedars Sinai Hospital Monday after a manicure went awry." Simon Cowell's sidekick is quoted as saying "I almost lost my thumb." She also states that the wound is so serious that she "can't button (her) pants." Yikes, baby.

What William F. Buckley Will Sound Like When He Finally Loses His Mind

Taki, who sometimes writes cultural essays for the New Criterion, has a column in Conrad Black's Spectator called "High Life." Now, if anyone reads this space frequently, they will notice that we sometimes write about the evil of political conservatives. There is another type of conservative, however, and that's the insane conservative. Any guesses on which category we put Taki in? Here he defends the French from Michael Winner's calumnies.

"What I’ve always adored in French women is their sensibility and chic. As with most women, their reasoning faculties are small, but this has to do with anatomical reasons. (A woman’s brain is smaller than a man’s, but her organs of sense and anterior part of the brain are larger)." (Reg. req)

Brian Williams: The Thinking Man's Newsreader

"Brian Williams, a self-appointed steward of broadcast seriousness, places the blame for the demise of the news on the ascent of its more entertaining aspects. He mournfully tells Collins he will probably be the last anchor wearing a tie."

New Cyber-Sex Craze

Those crazy British, who brought us dogging, have spawned another wild sex craze. Toothing is a method of cyber sex using Bluetooth technology. There is even a grand Poo-bah of toothing, with the apt if uninventive name of Toothy Toothing that has started a website devoted to helping people Tooth. One of the forum's toothers, Electro Chocalate Girl (who we expect is a 6'2, creamy toothed National Front member) writes: "i was thinking that while i was waiting for my train at kings cross, someone could come and keep me company?" Further down the thread "she" gets angry because "she" "had more luck in cardif (sic)." (Reuters) (Toothing Forum)
(Reuters link via The Blueprint)

Times to Get Makeover

WWD is reporting (subscription) that the Times will be publishing a newly re-packaged magazine twice a year. it will consist of what is now the twice a year Fashions of The Times, Style & Entertaining, Men’s Fashions and Home Design inserts. At the very least, it will be easier to cart out to the recycling bin. Does anybody really read those things?

Mined Gossip, Bulldog Edition

Elite is for sale. Execs for the famous modelling agency, which could do no wrong in the 90's, but has flagged badly as of late are blaming its financial collapse on a "$4.7 million judgment awarded to a former employee exposed to second-hand smoke." We, however, tend to think it's all the drugs they had to provide Naomi Campbell that finally sunk that ship. (Page Six-6th Item)

Page Six hints that something might be amiss with socialite Rachel Peters' story that her purse was stolen in the lobby of the Miami Ritz Carlton. Because of her misfortune Peters, the granddaughter of irving Berlin (we know what a social draw that must make her!) had to ride back on a pal's private jet. The poor, poor dear. (7th item)

Is infamous lothario Chris noth losing his touch? He only manages to get G-rated action from a British TV star. (Sun, Daily Mirror)

Lauren Bush is encouraging students the country over to donate 19 cents a day to alleviate drought in Africa. 19 cents, Jeez! We don't all have Halliburton money to throw around. (Rush & Molloy-5th item)

Does Anyone like Kimora-Lee Simmons?

Kimora Lee Simmons isn't making any friends in New York Society (surprise). First she shows up forty-five minutes late for the Martha Graham Gala which she was chairwoman of. As the event featured her own Professor Henry Higgins, Andre Leon Talley, it was a particularly diva-ish move. Then, as Page Six reports, she lied to WWD (subscription) about winning the bid to name a Manolo after her. I mean, didn't she think anyone would find out? From the clipping: "(Kimora) won, of course, but at a pretty penny: $16,000." In fact, some fancy-pants podiatric surgeon, Dr. Suzanne Levine, won the right to name the shoe for 20 G's. Who knew podiatry was so lucrative?

Moreover, the Minneapolis Star Tribune (reg req) is carrying by far the best version of the bidding war. The paper's columnist, C.J., describes an all out cat fight between Kimora Lee and Dr. Levine replete with the Phat-farm designer alternately yelling and pleading. A source for the paper quotes Kimora as saying: "Please, please don't bid against me. I'm the chairperson of this party, and I really want the shoes." Maybe the NYDN should hire this C.J. to replace Lloyd Grove.

Trafficking in Rumor

Okay, so who's the horny New York film critic mentioned on Gawker? Of course, we can't be sure, but since were not one to pass up an opportunity to tie together innuendo and circumstantial evidence our money is on the rumor being about Elvis Mitchell. We're not saying the rumor is true, mind you, we're just saying that the rumor may very well be about said film critic. Mitchell has been a guest lecturer at for Harvard for two years.

Somehow, Inspiration Through Cough-Syrup Just Lacks a Certain Something

"Like lots of great musical stories, this one wouldn't be the same without drugs. In this case, the drug is prescription-strength cough syrup, the kind that contains codeine, and it has long been the intoxicant of choice in Houston's hip-hop community."

The Army of the White Stripes

On Saturday night, a boisterous friend and I were walking down Second Avenue. All of the sudden, he stops and cranes his neck into a bunch of rock and roll types walking in the opposite direction (I thought that they had probably just finished a set at the Continental) does a double pump fist and yells "Hey Whiteys!"

All of the sudden Jack White is all high-fiving my friend saying "yo, no-one ever calls us that." Then, I realize that Meg White is standing right behind her brother, her hair colored at the tips. Before their two bodyguards/friends can jostle them away my friend says "Jack, where's Renee?" Jack turns around and shakes his head sadly as if to say 'dude, I thought you guys were cool.' I also shake my head solemnly, in the universal sign for 'dude, it wasn't me, my buddy's a tool, I thought you guys were some band from the continental.'

Apparently, though, one of the bodyguards/friends thinks I'm full of shit and stands over me and says "you're a fucking dick, man." My friend thinks this is laugh at loud hilarious.

As the White posse walks away I turn to my friend and say "I would totally do Meg White." He answers "I bet they get really good coke."

Novelists Have Vendela Vida, Bloggers Have Anna Marie Cox

Anna Marie Fox (that's right I said Fox), was profiled in the Styles section yesterday. The piece starts out as a takedown, but for whatever reason winds up grudgingly bestowing some praise on Cox. Perhaps the worst shot the writer of the article, Julie Bosman, takes is the following, about Cox's dismissal from the American Prospect: "(Cox was) required to sign a confidentiality agreement about the terms of her dismissal."
Well, that could really mean any number of things, now couldn't it Ms. Timesman? The Times had plenty of time to either find out why the fuck she was fired or leave it alone. As we all know; Wonkette has no such editorial luxuries.
Later on, Bosman writes: "she told (Denton) about a few tips she said were too ridiculous to mention on the blog." Okay, I can tell you what one of those items was, and it really proves her point that she's not looking to libel anyone.
A couple of months ago, a friend of mine (without my knowledge) sent Wonkette the following blind item from my blog (3/18):
"What very famous senior senator once slapped his press secretary when the poor flack couldn't come through with a coke connection? The flack was so humiliated he quit the high profile job."
Of course, I would have filled in the blanks for her. I'm sure she's gotten some other hot ones in her tips box, but if I can help give you the whole story, hey, that's what I'm here for. Anyway, let's hear it for Ana Marie, our side's Matt Drudge.

Plum Horrible

Nick Denton's minions were all over the gray lady yesterday and it was lovely (see also Styles). Choire put in some work trashing Plum Sykes new piece of tripe "Bergdorf Blondes:"

"...the publication of this book demands that you rouse yourself from the couch this very second and set out to loot and burn Manhattan. Meet us at Da Silvano and bring weapons."

'Oh Ana he's so mean!' We're sure Plum is sobbing on the cold, bony and lifeless shoulder of Ana Wintour right now.

Sicha describes a scene in which Sykes' heroine gets dumped:

"after a tumultuous interlude of oral sex -- during which she text-messages Julie (Bergdorf)"

Wow, that's amazing; texting a friend and blowing a PH at the same time! It’s a feat that would make even Paris Hilton proud and Hilton never read Madame Bovary. Okay, neither did Plum Sykes, but we bet she's read the Cliff Notes. Really, we can't figure out which is scarier; the possibility that Sykes has read Madame Bovary or the possibility that she hasn't. (NYTBR)

Guardian Variety Erotica

If the UK has someone like Daniel Radosh, that person needs to take a long look at this article in the London Observer magazine. It's by this chick "Jane Fairfax," (also the name of an Austenite novel using the characters of “Emma”) who purports to be a former "journalist for a magazine in Manhattan. (Who) lost (her) job in post-9/11 cutbacks."

Fairfax's first line, set off sirens for me: "Being a dominatrix is much like being a journalist." Then, "Journalists are supposed to tell the truth. A dominatrix tells the story her client would like to hear." In other words being a dominatrix is a lot like being Stephen Glass, you make up wild fantasies and then you pray that your editor will believe them.

There is no way to verify anything in the piece. It features no locations or names other than New York City. The last line states: “some names have been changed.” Like whose, the author's maybe? The writer uses age old stereotypes: “I see a lot of Wall Street types who go for bondage and humiliation. Lawyers, actors…” and boilerplate Victorian old lechers: “a small, fit, grey-haired gentleman who wears black shoes and socks and nothing else while he spanks us (we are naughty schoolgirls, forever being sent to the headmaster's office for reprimand) and a sickly man who arrives with a nurse and a tube of oxygen .” Okay, this might be the most blatant fabrication in a news magazine we’ve ever read.

The writer tries to turn on us on with Penthouse Forum type lesbian erotica: “We are always desperate for blondes. But you try to find a fair-haired, fetish-friendly woman under the age of 25 who has no tattoos or facial piercings. And one whom I haven't slept with...” LOL, baby, don’t we know it!

She writes of a vice cop that comes to examine the girls and check if it is “a clean house,” meaning that the girls don’t fuck their clients. She describes the encounter as if it’s New York police procedure to do this sort of thing. It’s not.

Okay, one more quote that we can’t pass up: “New staff are referred to as FNGs - Fucking New Guys.” Are you sure you’re not confusing your stint as a Domme with your tour of Vietnam, dear?

Fairfax claims not to give her clients any sexual release whatsoever. Anybody that has ever known a Domme knows they try to foist this song and dance on anyone that will listen and that it’s complete bullshit. It really makes us think that not only was this reporter never a Dominatrix she didn’t do her homework either. She probably talked to someone in a bar and pitched the story complete with her travails as a downsized journalist. Moreover, Observer editors probably let this one go, hoping it would fly under the radar (as it probably will). (London Observer Magazine)

We'll Just Stick With The Blood Pudding Then, Thanks

"Liver in lager, the speciality of chef Aubrey in Mike Leigh's Life is Sweet, won't be the half of it. There will be Marmite ice creams paired with peanut butter foams. There will be pork belly jellies with sardine pralines and truffles of maple syrup emulsified with anchovy." (London Observer Magazine)

$250,000, A Book Deal and a One-Way Ticket Back to Palookaville

By now you know Bill Rancic, also known known as the "white guy" and alternately the "cigar chomper" won "The Apprentice." So, what the hell was up with the now famous Page Six "spoiler" item? It was obviously a feint by Gordon Geck-- er-- Donald Trump's PR machine. You think they'd pull that shit for "Survivor?" Well, maybe; they take out people's trash all the time. Personally, we're not surprised that Rancic won Burnett's backstab-o-rama. Kwame was way to smooth and polished for a vulgarian like Trump. So, we guess our boy from Chicago will be running Trump Ice. Hooray for him! (E! Online) (Business Wire)

This One's on Me, Bayer

Levitra, the new kid on the block has a new, more explicit campaign that features a sultry brunette saying: "For him Levitra works — just look at that smile..." This is an evolution from the first campaign, which featured a couple of old-timers slow dancing in a dark living room.
We have a feeling that the ad-man and pill-pushers working on these campaigns just can't shake the fun of working on these accounts. Take a look at what they said to the AP in regards to their respective drug sales:
"We have reached iconic stature. People associate erectile dysfunction with Viagra,"
"We've done an impressive job in our launch. This is not a sprint."
“Iconic stature," "impressive launch," "not a sprint--" holy double entendres.

So, we'd like to pitch our own Levitra ad:
Fade in: an Anna Nicole Smith type buxom gold digger lays on her back on a huge bed next to an ancient, wrinkled old man. The old man has a huge leering grin and the woman is playing with the few hairs left on his scalp. She says: "I married the old coot for his money, but I stay for the sex."
Voice Over: "Levitra--Keeping the young lady happy."
Fade Out.

Darwin 101--LA Style

"Sexual selection is meant to explain how things like a peacock’s ornamental tail —obviously a hindrance to survival (have you ever tried running away from a predator with a kite tied to your ass?) — exist..." (LA Weekly)

"Everyone Say 'Make Money Money! Make Money Money!' Now Scream!"

If you have no idea what the above refers to, you're either too young (hooray for you nigga), or too fucking old (bad luck bitch). We love that you all are coming around these days and hope it's for the juicy gossip (you try finding out which pop tart loves cocaine or which rap star with mad street cred is a big 'mo. Exactly, who you going to call?). In any case, we love giving this stuff to you: but, Bass Ale, real Valium and cab rides are real expensive and you don't pay us. That dude that likes to call himself our "boss" does, however, and he's not in Korea right now. In fact, he's breathing down our fucking neck. Which is all a long-winded way of saying "I'll be back tomorrow."

Rap Wars

Lil' Kim is in court for ordering the shooting of Foxy Brown and man is she looking weird. Is she getting cut to look like Kim Cattrall? Because she's certainly dressing like her. Plus, is that a Birken bag she's sporting? Anyway, something just as expensive. $12,000 for that baby. Rap game's been good huh? (Awful Plastic Surgery)

(Ed.--According to Gawker her bag isn't a Birken. You're glad I told you that, huh?)

Radio Killed the Radio Star

Drudge is claiming that Air America, the new liberal radio network, has been yanked from Chicago and LA because it bounced a one-million dollar check. Air America, for its part, has released a statement that it's former host Multicultural Radio Broadcasting is in "a clear violation of their contractual obligations" and is threatening to sue. This seems pretty unlikely to us, as Air America has just added six stations and has put forth, from the beginning, that they have enough money to run at a loss for a year.
Drudge, is up to his old tricks, floating a story that a major paper is working on, this time the conservative Chicago tribune, to see if it has legs. If you remember, this is the same tactic he's been using since he charged Sid Blumenthal with cheating on his wife. It's a rather primitive trick whereby what is essentially a tip from one of his conservative but-buddies gets the imprimatur of a respectable media outlet--okay, semi-respectable.

Update--the Chicago Trib, which knows tons about shady financial practices, runs the article.

Gone Blind

Which hugely talented and popular rapper with a laid back rhyme style and three different names is frequently rumored to be a switch-hitter? Young men, flattered at how friendly he is to them, become dissapointed when his intentions become clear. You should take at as a compliment fellas.

We Just Don't Have the Heart to Use This Thing to Its Full Potential

"Heavy social drinkers show the same pattern of brain damage as hospitalized alcoholics -- enough to impair day-to-day functioning, U.S. researchers said... Our heavy drinkers sample was significantly impaired on measures of working memory, processing speed, attention, executive function, and balance," (CNN)

Then again, maybe we're not really the one to do it anyway. Matthew 7.3.

If The Observer Can Get Down, So Can We

Janine Lindemulder aka the best muffdiver in the porn biz, who has heretofore only fucked girls on film, is coming out of retirement to do a boy-girl scene. Some seem happy about this development. We, however, are none to thrilled as we think of Janine fondly as the chick who taught us how to go down like a champ. Oh well, let's at least hope TT Boy (we have no idea either)--the anointed party--will give it to her good. (Via Whatevs)

"Blowin in The Wind*"

Slate, on Bob Dylan shilling for Victoria Secret
"I also wouldn't totally discount the idea that he's playing a sly, decades-in-the-making practical joke. Newspaper reports have noted that in 1965, when asked what might tempt him to sell out, Dylan said, 'Ladies undergarments.'"

Who Needs The NY Times, Baby? This is Journalism With a Purpose

"As annoyed as I can get over my husband’s occasional roving eye, I now see myself as potential MILF material—and frankly, it makes me a little excited. I am convinced some men are checking out my ass next to the SpongeBob cake, and I am feeling hotter than ever. I may be scooping my crying 5-year-old up off the floor, but on the other side of the room, some father may be thinking about how cute I look."

Cargo Editor’s Letter Revealed Part Two

Ariel Foxman, the dapper young editor-and-chief of Cargo, has kicked off the latest issue of his shitty magazine Graydon Carter stizz (maybe Bonnie Fuller should start inserting an editor’s letter into Star now that it has gone “upmarket”). We fantasize about young Foxman hating life every time he has to write the intro, but of course, we know he could care less. In any case, for the second and last time, we’ve decided to translate his missive for kicks:

Editor's Letter: “1981. The year I discovered Top 40.”
What it Means: I’m only in my early thirties and I’m running my second magazine. What does your sorry ass resume look like?

Editor's Letter: “The Tide is High,” “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,” “Private Eyes.”
What it Means: Metrosexuals are born not made.

Editor's Letter: “I spent a good chunk of my day in front of my boom box taping songs from the radio”
What it Means: I was a very awkward boy who had a hard time making friends.

Editor's Letter: “Or organizing my homemade cassettes in a vinyl matchbox carrying case.”
What it Means: Okay, I'm attracted to men.

Editor's Letter: “I set my Hanukkah-season sights on the original Sony Walkman.”
What it Means: Abraham Foxman—Ariel Foxman; now do you know who I am? Advertise or we’ll picket your ass.

Editor's Letter: “The personal stereo cassette player was pretty much it if you were looking for bragging rights on the school bus.”
What it Means: I needed all the help I could get being cool.

Editor's Letter: “I begged and pleaded for one, and hoped my parents would find a way to ‘surprise’ me come the holiday.”
What it Means: You think I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth? My dad didn't have it easy raising a family on $450,00 a year.

Editor's Letter: “Yes! I thought, grabbing mine while eying my sister’s. Wish granted! And early, no less. I tore through the paper and there it was: a brand new, super high-tech..”
What it Means: There is a God.

Editor's Letter: “...Toshiba Walkman”
What it Means: But he’s the angry God of the Old Testament.

Editor's Letter: “The disappointment was immediate and crushing. I had wanted the Sony, and nothing else would do. I said thank you and headed up to my bedroom.”
What it Means: I wrote a letter to Santa Claus, but I tore it up.

Editor's Letter: “It would be weeks before I’d warm up to the Walky, realizing it actually had certain advantages over the headlining Walkman.”
What it Means: Here it comes--watch me sell you some very sub-par shit.

Liar, Liar Rance on Fire

We have this D-list actor friend that lives out in La-La land--he's been on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and had a pretty decent part in "Everyone Says I Love You," that Woody Allen musical. Anyhoo, he tells us that this blog, allegedly by a high-end Hollywood B-lister, that has been getting a lot of buzz and a huge influx of traffic lately, is a total sham. But said anonyblogger seems to have a lot of details about the biz, you say. According to our friend that's because "Rance," as the blogger calls himself, is really the assistant and confidant of a certain Hollywood mainstay. We're just repeating what we hear kids.

Book Club

Me--So you're reading Jennifer Weiner?
Friend--Yeah, I guess.
Me--What is it with chick lit covers...
Friend--And sexy legs with Manalos.
Me--Yep.
Friend--Totally.
Me--She has a blog.
Friend (eyes glazing over)--Oh yeah...
Me--Yeah, it's called "Snark Spot"--it's not very snarky, though, I don't think.
Friend (nodding into oblivion)--Hehe, oh no?
Me--So how's the book?
My friend picks the paperback up by the corner and lets "Good in Bed" fall gently into her trash can.
Me--That good, huh?

Let God Have Her

When we first heard about Britney's suicide scene we were almost sure it was something that was never meant to be aired; only leaked to the press so as to create controversy. However, now Britters suicide looks like it has the green light (stills have even been leaked to the Sun, their partner in vileness).
Since we all know, young girls are completely impervious to media influence we think this is a really good way for Britters to become "inspired and challenged." Here's a description of the very Roger Avary-ish sounding scene:
"(Britney) looks at her hands, sees her wrists are cut, slips under the water and passes out. Moments later she is seen running down a white tunnel towards a bright light."

Indeed, ideas for future Britney videos include her:
1) Shoplifting Tommy Hillfigger gear
2) Vomiting to lose weight
3) Turning tricks in the South Bronx
4) Smoking crack with the cool kids

Fleet Street: Taking a Nuanced View of the Beckham Story

"Nobody ever suspected David Beckham of being over-endowed in the brainbox department; but it takes a considerable thickness of numbskull to send a succession of smutty text messages to a bevy of young tarts who had nothing in common but their desire to make money at his expense." (Daily Mail--Subscription)

Bold Face Names Seek No Names For Roleplay

In the Edith Whartonesque world of the NYSD you're either a boldface name or you have no name at all--in fact, you may only be identified by your job. Check out the spread devoted to the March of Dimes Ball (last photo spread) where illuminati Amy Astly, Bobbi Brown and Dennis Leary (wait huh?) surrounded by three campy pseudo hunks labeled only as "lifeguards."
Okay, so let's get this straight; when the old money set have their coming out parties, charity balls, S&M orgies or whatever they hire a bunch of people from strip-o-gram to dress up like the blue-collar help? Hmmm. actually it sounds kind of fun.

Becks' Racks and Rolls

Beckham knows how to switch it up. At first we were a little a little bit surprised at the diminutive size of Sarah Marbeck's rack, but then we realized hey, variety is the spice of life and DB probably got tired of these super unnatural rock hard melons. VB to her plastic surgeon "I really want to look like there are two boxing gloves sticking out of the center of my torso." Then again, if you take a look at Posh's old look (read boobs), it's very reminiscent of Marbeck's now. So maybe there was love there once after all. Then again, Rebecca Loos had pretty big funbags. Yeah, we know, we're pathetic.

It Means She Doesn't like What You're Writing About Her Mom

"My daughter and her friends are suddenly wearing plaid miniskirts and carting around Living Dead Dolls. What do black lipstick and snap-on dog collars mean to a 10-year-old?" (Salon)

Watch out Sean Elder's mom! Your son needs material and he still hasn't written an article on menopause.

Canned Fun is the Most Fun


You are Maureen Dowd! You like to give people silly
nicknames and write in really short, non
sequitur paragraphs. You're the most playful of
the columnists and a rock-ribbed liberal, but
are often accused of being too flamboyant and
frivolous. You tend to focus on style over
substance, personality over politics. But your
heart is in the right place. Plus, you are a
total fox.


Which New York Times Op-Ed Columnist Are You Bitch?
brought to you by Quizilla

And She's The Well Read One

Plum Sykes shows how well-read she is in the April issue of Gotham (no web content)--meaning not very. Notice in the sentence below how she says "bought" and not "read."

"After Sept. 11... I bought these (Jonathan Frazen) books and was more depressed. And I kept thinking, 'Where's (sic) the Breakfast at Tiffany's for now?' And I thought Well: 'I have to write it myself.'"

In other words, Plum Sykes is talking about George Peppard and Audrey Hepburn riding off into the sunset of matrimonial bliss; not the novel which is a tragedy about two soul mates whose "love" goes unrequited because of conflicting sexual orientation. Or maybe the haggard old bitch is starting to get Alzheimers--I mean, what is she, about sixty fucking years old?

Also, am I the only person offended by Plum Sykes comparing herself to Truman Capote?

Gone Blind

Which gazillionaire pop singer's brother likes Peruvian marching powder even more than his very famous sibling? Things have gotten so bad, that an intervention might be in the works.

More Mined Gossip

Bill Maher's girlfriend looks like Divine Brown. (U-Gossip--5th graph)

After being pregnant for a year and a half Debra Messing finally gives birth to a twenty-five pound baby boy. I mean, didn't it seem like a really long pregnancy? (AP)

Billy Bob Thornton AKA "The Scariest Man in Hollywood" is going to be a father again. The mother is some chick. (AP)

Cameron Diaz has an Arab sugar daddy, who bought her a $350,000 bauble. Kashogi? Bin Laden? Who? Whoever he is, he should check the pawn shops in a few months--Cammy has been rumored to be up to no good. (Cindy Adams--2nd Item)

John Stamos and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos are finally splitsville; artistic differences or something, they're saying. (Rush & Molloy)

Sexy flack Siri Garber poses on the cover of "Steppin Out" and blames Marilyn Monroe's death on the Kennedys. Just what you want your publicist to be, a motor mouth. (Lloyd Grove)

Britney's show at the Meadowlands features her simulating masturbation in a nude suit and girl dancers getting it on with each other. Old stuff really. Jim Farber also hints that she's becoming a bit of a gay icon. (NYDN)

Eminem evinces metrosexual tendencies. (3AM)

Like a conversion: Madonna is keeping the Jewish Sabbath not performing on Friday nights. (NYM, Page Six--2nd and 3rd items respectively)

Jimmy fallon is leaving SNL after this season. Who will tina Fey be able to snicker uncontrollably with? (Roger Friedman--2nd item)

What made Jacob Bernstein and his editors kill a story about former CNN producer Jim Miller over at New York Mag? If Grove knows he's not telling; he reports that it was boy-wonders decision because "there was no there there." Sure, whatever. (Last item)

Tom Hanks disses ET correspondent Billy Bush, asking him "How does it feel to be famous for being so obnoxious?" Hanks also got all "Quiz Show" on the Bushie saying "People in this town have long memories." Except when it comes to Kevin Costner, in which case they can never seem to remember that his last ten movies flopped. (Page Six--2nd to last item)

AO Gossip

Michael Imperioli got turned down when he suggested a menage-a-trois while driving two girls home from the Spring Street Lounge. Imperioli, who plays Christopher Moltisanti on the Sopranos, wasn't shut out completely, however. He did score with one of the chicks and even drove the more reticent of the two girls home--all the way to Brooklyn. Now that's class.

AOL Girl--One Last Thing

Heather Robinson, the AOL Girl, tells us that her critics and naysayers will soon be eating their words, because she is currently working on a tell-all memoir:

HooterR: I've got some really good things coming down the line.
AO: Like what?
HooterR: Let's just say it will answer my critics.
AO: You're writing a book aren't you? A tell-all?
HooterR: Yes

This thing could either be a lot fun or a big snooze.

Mined Gossip

This story gives creedence to the rumors we've heard (and items we've read) that Paris and Rick are back together. I mean, hey, did you see the size of the guy's cock?
"Paris Hilton's former boyfriend, who appeared with her in a sex video that went public, has dropped his $10 million slander lawsuit against the heiress and her parents." (AP)

More of Beckham's text messages appeared in the News of the World this week. Now the girl is one, Sarah Marbeck.
DB: I want my mouth in more places the next time.
DB: ...then I would slide my body up your ***** legs and then ***** myself **** ****** *** and make love. X

Now Beck's gay side:
DB: Tinkerbell is the one doing it for Peter Pan. When Peter Pan and Tinkerbell are together that is when things start getting so cheeky.
DB: ...I admire mens looks more than women not in that way but u get where I'm coming from

Yes David, we get exactly where you're coming from.

And back to Loos, "Sex is Rebecca's God;" the venerable Sun breaks down her "insatiable" appetite for lesbian romps. (I'm laughing too, but I can't resist the hits.)

Spin This

Listen up punks. If there's a better album out this year than The Walkmen's "Bows + Arrows," we sure as hell haven't heard it. When Leithauser sings out "when I used to go out/ I'd know everyone I saw/ now I go out alone/ if I go out at all--we can't help but rock out. Plus our boys ripped shit up at Irving Plaza. Buy it, steal it, download it.

From the Paper: Sexy, Steely Bitches and Exupery

The old gray lady was especially I'm "going to read you, you son of a bitch, if it kills me*" (May Issue) yesterday, and the wine flowed freely at our house, but get through it we did, so you don't have to. Here's some stuff of interest: Speaking of sexy and steely old broads, here's an interview with Helen Mirren where she sings the praises of nose jobs.
One of our favorite, no scratch that--our favorite actress, Tilda Swinton (sexy and steely, but not so old), is in a film called "Young Adam" about Glasgow in the 50's. Promises to be cheery, we're sure.
Do you remember Renoir's "Grand Illusion?" The film is an allegory for the death of the Old World aristocracy during World War I. Types like St. Exupery and Paul Metternich (who was shot down in his Messerschmitt over Berlin wearing a tuxedo, drunk on champagne) were really the last of that breed. Here's a nice Op/Ed piece on Exupery.
And, this story might be titled "Push it Along;" Kristen Gore gets by with a little help from her friends Harvey Weinstein and Alex Kuczynski.

Loose Ends

Heather Robinson, the girl that the parlayed a CSR job into Hollywood success told us today in an IM conversation that her relationship with A-List celebs "wasn't as much about sex as people are saying." She likens her role to that of an "unlicenced psychiatrist."

Becks allegedly had a threesome with Rebecca Loos and another girl. The girl is shopping around pictures of the encounter for 12,000 Pounds. (Evening Standard)

New Yorkish Newsday

We told that punk New Yorkish, when he decribed this post he was working on, that it was going to be "his best post evs." He didn't think so. Newsday agrees with us, and of course, we wish they didn't.

Celebrity Needed For Infant Son

If anyone still needs evidence that America is a country of savages and fools they need to look no further than this gem. Some "stay at home dad" is such a starfucker that he’s whoring out his infant son for pictures with celebrities. Look who's talking: "Hi, I'm Jeremy! If you are a well-known person and are in, or will be in, the New York area and want to have your picture taken with me, please email my daddy"
All vitriol aside this is so sad and pathetic that if we weren't blessed with a heart of stone we'd probably cry. So of course the only thing to do is take bets on what age this poor kid will inject his first shot of heroin. I say seventeen. (Via New Yorkish)

(Ed. note--to the guy that was sooo offended by the first sentence that he wrote me three e-mails under different names; it was a joke--relax, I'm an American too, but I'm not going to write you back because you're obviously psychotic.)

Gossip Update

Four more spanish women, one with the wholesome moniker of "Muchas Tetas," have come forward claiming that they hit skins with Becks. The Footballer seemed especially fond of hitting it in public restrooms.

Meanwhile there are whispers that Victoria Becks is having an affair with business partner Damon Dash.

Popbitch has a blind item that points to Hillary Duff, the teen actress, as being a big coke head. Lordy, won't these kids ever learn?

Catfight! Robert Smith vs Morrisey. We hope the Cure frontman stomps that big bitch Morrisey into the London pavement. (Yeah, we're in a bad mood today). (Page Six)

Omarosa gets fired by her publicist, because she wouldn't sign a release for a TV gab-fest. Apparently, getting fired is nothing new for Omarosa; she was so inept when she worked for the Clinton administration that she got fired from four different jobs, including one sending out party invitations. Omarosa denies her work difficulties blaming the firings on another staffer who had it "out for her." (Rush & Molloy) (Reliable Source--last item)

Roger "in the pocket" Friedman, flogs Miramax's "Kill Bill II." Shameless cyber hack...

Jewelled Eye For the Queer Guy

This sounds like some nice, safe fun:
"Dutch eye surgeons have implanted tiny pieces of jewellery called 'JewelEye' (photo) in the mucous membrane of the eyes of six women and one man in cosmetic surgery pioneered by an ophthalmic surgery research and development institute in Rotterdam." Can you say conjunctivitis kids? (Reuters)

Eat The Rich

More fun and games at the expense of the rich is being scheduled for television. A new show, "I'm a rich kid get me out of here" based on the similar "I'm a celebrity..." is set to hit ABC soon. Those evil geniuses--bad economy? The country doesn't need jobs, it needs to see Amanda Hearst eat rancid leftovers and get an eight dollar haircut. Personally, we would like to get down to brass tacks and see Fabian Basabe and Casey Johnson fighting to the death with shivs. (Evening Standard) (The Blueprint)

I Guess She Wasn't That Good Then

"...former Wimbledon tennis champion Pat Cash reportedly said he may have slept with Ms Loos but he could not remember.
"He reportedly told newspapers: 'I'm 50 per cent sure I did.'"
"I wish I could say it was me but I just can't remember."

How to Win Friends and Influence People Cont'd

As we mentioned earlier, there is an article in today's peach sheets about Heather Robinson, the chick that parlayed an AOL costumer service job into a screenwriting gig by ingratiating herself with A-list celebs; getting their contact info from AOL's database. One of which: "wanted her to masturbate using a pair of pumps he had bought for her on eBay." Anyway, below is Ms. Robinson's AOl profile, where she coyly admits to digging vibrators:

Name: Heda
Location: Tucson, AZ & Santa Monica, CA
Gender: Female
Marital Status: Single
Hobbies & Interests: When I am not busy collecting empty bottles of white out, I love ... Golf, Hockey, Travel, Wine... and much, much more.
Favorite Gadgets: I can't mention my "gadgets" here... oh but I love em.
Occupation: Screenwriter/Producer
Personal Quote: God Created Women With Breasts To Hold Beer. -- Me

We Only Write About the Important Stuff

This item might have been timelier several months ago, but it's still kind of funny. A girl that went to Sacred Heart in Greenwich, Conn. with poor little rich girl Ally Hillfigger (before she transferred to the Professional Children's School) gives us the following: "Allie begged her mother to bid for a dog that was being auctioned off at the school for charity. She was all 'mommy, I love him so much, he's so cute.’ So Ally's mom bid high and they got it. Then, about a week later I asked her what she named the dog and she just kind of looked at me funny. 'You know the dog from the auction' I said. So Ally says, 'oh, I didn't want it, I never named it.' They had given the poor dog away."

Kicking it in the Park With Debbie Harry

I’m going to take a minute from the gossip and miscellany for a second, bitches. I don’t usually write about the “performing arts,” because unless someone’s Clive James, Cinetrix or David Denby—okay, maybe not David Denby—who gives a fuck what they think about the latest Ashley Judd vehicle, Strokes show or whatever? But I love me some concerts—and yesterday Blondie put on a fab concert downtown. It was free, so all the dirtiest, freakiest motherfuckers in the city were out in effect: methadone patients, crackheads, German tourists, pigeon feeders and stockbrokers. And they all were shaking their asses to “Heart of Glass.” All right, nothing more to see here; I was going to compare the show to all the Debbie Harry concerts I'd seen in the past, but now I don't feel like it.

How To Win Friends and Influence People

"...an America Online customer-service representative named Heather Robinson allegedly mined her employer’s database for the e-mail addresses of numerous actors, producers and movie-industry operatives. Ms. Robinson admittedly used the information to contact, befriend and, in some cases, achieve a creepy intimacy with these famous and influential targets." (NYO)

Going Blind

Which avowedly straight former MTV Veejay uses the saunas of a certain NYC health club to hit on dudes that catch his fancy?

Texan Coming Out Party

Texas has a new beauty queen. It's 64 year old Sam Walls, a Republican running for the Texas House of Representatives. Pictures of the big sissy have surfaced (although not yet on the web) of him gussied up fancier than an ante-bellum debutante at a slave auction. A journo describes him wearing "full makeup, a wig, heels, and a dress."
Walls, for his part is staying in the race; claiming that he's not a homosexual, because God loves him and God 'don't love the gays.' Okay, he didn't really say that, but he did deny that he was gay: "my opponent is using the private information in an attempt to intimate that I am a homosexual, which I am not." He also referred to the snaps as "a small part of my personal past." Whatever you say, fun-boy. (Star Telegram) (365.Gay)

They Call That "Flashing Her Tits," Mr. Timesman

"The woman had particular praise for Ms. Fey's breasts."
"'I know. It's not real, though,'" Ms. Fey said. "'Illusion!'" she shouted, physically demonstrating that special effects were used in the photograph." (NYT)

Lambert: Raines is "Macho Jock" Poser

The Times reporter Bruce Lambert has written a letter to Romenesko blasting Howell Raines. Lambert describes the former Times editor's transgressions as worse than Blairs; Raines is also, in the words of the journo, a habitual finger-pointer not just content with burning his bridges, but "intent on poisoning all the waters below as well."
Somewhat ironically though, Lambert uses the number of Pulitzers the Times won in 2002 (Raines only full year) as evidence of Raines' poor managerial skills: "That period yielded a grand total of one prize." (Romenesko)

Yes, We Agree, But Nobody Really Wants to See That

Alanis Morisette shows off her "body," stripping down to a nude suit at the Canadian's version of the Grammy's, to protest the lack of free speech in the US. Pretty effective, we think, especially because no one in this fucking country even knows it happened.
"'We live in a land where we still think the human body is beautiful and we're not afraid of the female breast,' the singer said, after stepping out of a dressing gown to reveal her 'nudity'". (Via Media Bistro)

O'Reilly's Minstrel Show

In "his" column, Bill O'Reilly uses a scribblers equivalent to blackface and puts together a little minstrel act. Here he is on hip-hop;
"How about music? Didn't we used to have music on the radio? Let's dial up some rap:
My glock is nice,
I shot her twice.
The ho no mo'
I got ta go ...
No. 1 with a bullet on Felony 97 FM."
Brent Batten, an inept Floridian columnist, had to apologize for words less offensive than those. Okay, so, O'Reilly's a liar, a bully and a bigot--oh that's right, sorry; you already know he's a Republican. And he can't even be honest about that.

That Loos Girl

Becks Spanish fucktoy, Rebecca Loos, loves chicks, coke and porn the Fleet Street tabs are reporting; each racing to print the most salacious details about the girl. The Mirror touts out an ex-lover of Rebecca to discuss their "It" lifestyle together adding some pics he snapped of her for good measure. While ostensibly more sympathetic to the Beckham family, The Sun's expose article might even be dishier. It includes the juicy snippet: "The 26-year-old brunette’s girlfriends have included a busty blonde French au pair." We like it a lot.

LA Times Rocks Out Five Pulitzers

This is the list of Pulitzer Prize winners. It's a sad, sad day for our home town read: the Gray Lady copped one, for public service. WSJ scored two. The LA Times took home an impressive five. Maybe we'd read the fucking thing if it didn't have such a fascistic registration policy.
Edward P. Jones' "The Known World" rated for fiction, Doug Wright for drama with "I am My Own Wife;" the latter which we saw and think well deserving of the accolade, even if it was weighed down by being a one-man show. Catch Wright's play if you can. (E&P)

Okay, So We Won't be Jerking-Off to Drea DeMatteo After All

"I was such a nervous loser the one time I went on David Letterman that they won't have me back," she said, adding that she spent much of her appearance trying to joke away visible sweat stains under her arms. (NYT)

Some Loose Ends

Ikea's founder, Ingvar Kamprad, has surpassed Bill Gates as the world's richest person. Ikea, however, denies the claim stating the ranking confuses Kamprad's assets with Ikea's. Kamprad is known for such frugal measures as flying coach. He avoids Sweden's high taxes by living in Switzerland. (AP)

Kate Moss has a new fuck pal; Daniel Craig, aka "Mr. Potato Head," star of a Brit TV show "Our Friends In The North." He sounds A-List. The Evening Standard reports that they "spent a weekend holed up in a one-bedroom suite in New York." Moss just split up with long-time boyfriend Jefferson Hack.

The Best/Worst Thing to Hit Television?

Bobby Brown is shopping the idea for a reality show starring himself and his long suffering wife Whitney Houston. Reports a regional paper:
"the couple that repeatedly tells America to stop prying into their alleged drug, domestic violence and health problems is now shooting a reality series based on their professional and private lives." (Via To Gawp)

If Only Howell Raines Would Have Thought of That

"Meseguer explained to the crowd yesterday that the racial slur had been allowed into print accidentally because fatigue had impaired the editors' judgment." (Via Romenesko)

Blog Dish

In some beguiling news, the blogosophere's own Deep Throat, the inimitable Beat Royalty has announced his "ostensible retirement." Guesses as to the true identity of this shadowy figure have run the gamut from Gregory Corso's ghost to Jack Kerouac's daughter to SI Newhouse to the guy that sweeps the floors over at the Observer. Does the word "ostensible" leave the door open for a return, we wonder?

Gossip Update

Harper’s Bazaar editor Glenda Bailey invents a journalist named Abigail Hughes to make an interview with Tina Brown seem un-biased. (NYM—5th item) (Lloyd Grove)

Former WWD whiz kid Jacob Bernstein files for New York Magazine. You know you love what he's selling. Why fight yourself? (NYM)

Fleet Street is in a feeding frenzy over news that Becks is cheating on Posh.

Ozzy is suing his ex-doctor for prescribing him a cocktail of Zyprexa, Dexydrine and Valium. (Ananova)

New Spin publisher Jacob Hill punk’d his editors by claiming he took payola to put “American Idol” on the cover. (Page Six--2nd item)

The odiousness of Hollywood’s rent-boy James Lipton knows no bounds. He’s going to give J-Lo one of his world famous rim-jobs; and he’s right to do it because “Inside the Actor’s Studio” “never had a Latina on the show before.” Brando, Kazan, Strausberg—eat your fucking hearts out. (Page Six--7th item)

Murdoch ratchets up his war with the Windsors: News of the World has a pretty despicable, even by their standards, report on how Prince William popped his girlfriend’s cherry.

What's Gray, Gossamer and Read Sporadically?

In Times Sunday Styles:

A monumentally groundbreaking article on the recent discovery that computers, unlike the human mind, have delete functions. In fact, one can erase reams of information with the flip of an analog switch—er make that the press of a button. This delete thing is especially useful when it comes to something called “on-line dating.” Whereas the Cure might have made the idea of destroying pictures of an ex romantic; broken glass is sharp and lighter fluid can get expensive. Be careful though, experts disagree on whether or not deleting personal information from your computers is psychologically sound. If you do decide to make the plunge, a brassy Gen X-er, available from Sunday Styles central casting, wrote a column on the topic. The column establishes some helpful rules that should guide you through the ethical morass.

Next week: TV’s off-switch—saving America billions in broken sets.

Also this week:
An article about Girls Gone Wild almost completely devoid of sex. The perp walk is the new black.

Oooh what's this (photo-scroll right)? A play about Tallulah Bankhead and Hattie McDaniels' doomed love affair? Damn! No such luck. (Arts & Leisure)

Amen to That, Brother

"In the latest book to attack the conduct of the current United States administration, Mr (John) Dean says that it has created potentially the most corrupt, unethical and undemocratic White House in history." (Telegraph)

Kelly Osbourne: Off to Rehab

The British News of the World has published photos of Kelly Osbourne scoring drugs on Sunset Boulevard. Always helpful, reporters for the Murdoch tabloid showed the Osbourne family the pictures they had snapped sparking an announcement on the Larry King Show about Kelly's predicament. Jesus, could that family whore themselves out any further? Anyhoo, it seems little Kelly, loved for her Pillsbury doughboy looks and hideously dirty mouth, has a taste for the big H. Of course, their saying that it’s painkillers, but then they always say that it's painkillers. In a move that bodes very well for Kelly's recovery, her brother, Jack, drove her to rehab. No word on whether they copped any scag on the way.